Palpitations
by sinisteroyster
Summary: One finds pleasure in the most unexpected places. A flirty, scheming flamingo and a temperamental crocodile, along with a few of their other colleagues, are forced to spend a few days together at the Navy Headquarters. Dofy has a mischievous plan to mess with his fellow Shichibukai's heads, especially Croc, his favorite and easiest target. But did he bite more than he can chew?
1. Prologue

_A/N: Hiya everyone, this is a Doflamingo x Crocodile yaoi story, you will most surely come across some graphic sex scenes and so on. The story is set somewhere before the Alabasta Arc, when Crocodile was still a member of the Shichibukai. This is my first ever fanfic, and English is also not my native language, so you will most certainly find some grammatical mistakes. Bear with me please. -_-_

 _Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece or its characters, rights belong to Eichiro Oda, and I make no money or profit from this fanfiction. This is just for pure fun!_

* * *

Prologue

They assembled at the Navy Headquarters at dusk, the infamous group of government dogs, despised but feared and respected by many – the Shichibukai. Summoned to an important meeting all seven of them fidgeted uncomfortably in their chairs listening to what the Fleet Admiral had to say. Some of them were clearly annoyed, some looked neutral (well, only Bartholomew Kuma in fact) and some of them very amused.  
One could tell a lot about their personalities just by looking at their body language;  
Gekko Moriah was grinning menacingly, continuously flapping his feet up and down like a child while playing with Doppelman. Boa Hancock was sitting with her arms and legs crossed, occasionally looking at her reflection in the nearby window, stroking her raven black hair.  
Dracule Mihawk sat with his eyes closed, his expression calm and mysterious, and even though he was sitting just next to Boa, he didn't seem to pay attention to her at all. (his pose clearly saying "unapproachable") Kuma sat in his chair with his back straight and his arms placed on his knees, listening intently to the Fleet Admiral's speech and occasionally stroking his trusty Bible.

On the other end of the room Sir Crocodile was pretty much sulking. His furry coat gently hugged his shoulders, a thick cigar hung loosely from the corner of his mouth, his brows furrowed. He utterly despised these meetings and was especially annoyed when Sengoku exclaimed they were to stay there for three days. Although they _were_ a waste of his precious time, he needed to suck it up and participate for the sake of his own plans.

Sitting opposite to him, Doflamingo was grinning and looking god-knows-where (you could never tell because of those sunglasses of his). Totally laid back, he was rocking in his chair and seemed to be having a great time. He kept gazing over to the other members, examining their expressions and giggling quietly to himself, especially while looking at Crocodile. Why? Doffy loved to make fun of people, their angry reactions to his teasing really amused him, but the most amusing of all was probably the Croc. While Boa's screams and tries to petrify him, and Mihawk's passive-aggressive reactions _were_ kind of adorable, Crocodile was his absolute favorite pick. He always had this expression that said _"I'm an easy target, shoot!"_ so Doffy, a bully at heart, felt he had to give him his best. Every. Single. Time. Crocodile even tried to kill him on various occasions, swinging his golden hook dangerously close to his face, with Doffy avoiding him while playfully jumping back and forth – the only part of him damaged so far was his fluffy, pink coat.  
He just couldn't believe they were going to stay there for three whole days. Oh, so many people to taunt, this was going to be his prime time!

The accommodation wasn't bad either; although they were and always will technically be just a bunch of lowlife pirates, being government dogs had its advantages. Each was assigned a huge, lavishly furnished room located in a separate building, far away from the government officials, the food served was delicious and the service impeccable. It wasn't the same as the palace at Dressrosa but it was more than decent. True, he will have to listen to Sengoku's pointless speeches during daytime, but as soon as it gets dark, he can relax, eat, drink, and hang out with his fellow Shichibukai. He already prepared a list of things he was planning to do to his colleagues and their potential reactions (especially that of the Croc) filled him with growing delight.

Grinning and contemplating, Doffy's gaze got stuck on Crocodile, and even though he couldn't see his eyes, at one point Crocodile noticed he was without a doubt looking at him. His face momentarily transformed into an ugly grimace and the scar that ran across his face distorted with rage. He unconsciously bit his cigar too hard, causing it to break.  
\- _Damn flamingo bastard_ – he thought, twitching by the realization he will be spending three fucking days in close proximity to this idiot. He'll just have to do his best to avoid the pink prankster, although he knew it would be impossible to completely escape his antics.

Doflamingo could hardly contain his laughter at the sight of Crocodile's face, quickly averting his gaze elsewhere. His lips curled in an even more menacing grin when he reminded himself of something: this time will be special because he had an ace up his sleeve. (for which he had his trusty subordinate, Caesar Clown, to thank.) – _Fufufu, I might actually lose my head over this one_ – Doffy thought to himself while hardly being able to contain his excitement.

* * *

 _A/N: Chapter 1 is almost finished so I'm really hoping someone reviews this. :)_


	2. Chapter 1 - Goosebumps

A/N: _Aaaand here's chapter one. Reviews and feedback would be very welcome, this is my first time writing a story like this, in fact it's been years since I've written anything really. :3 And please bear with my shitty English. ( _ _ ')_

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Chapter 1

Goosebumps

The meeting was adjourned at around ten in the evening, both the Warlords and the Fleet Admiral feeling dead from exhaustion. Apparently Sengoku had a rather complicated plan, and the help of the Shichibukai was necessary for it to be executed without mistakes. It involved a series of carefully and strategically planned phases and each of them had to be explained in detail to the members of the Seven Warlords. Naturally, Kuma was the only one who didn't complain, and the rest, of course, were not in the least interested or happy, especially because the meetings were supposed to continue for the next couple of days. As if Sengoku's voice wasn't bad enough, they also had to listen to the sounds his pet goat was making!

So after several hours of excruciating agony it was finally time to relax. A deep sigh escaped Doffy's lips as he stretched both his arms and legs. "Oy, Hawkeye, how about a glass of wine and a game of poker with and old friend? And don't tell me you're tired old man, I don't want to hear excuses!" he exclaimed, lightly patting Mihawk's shoulder. Straightening his coat, as if he was touched by something repulsive, Mihawk kept walking towards the exit at a steady pace. "Old friend? What an interesting choice of words, I never knew you considered me a friend…Fine, why not, a glass of wine sounds reasonable" the tall man replied, his amber eyes widening and pupils slightly dilating at the sound of "wine". Noticing this Doffy cracked up. The word "glass" always meant "glasses" (often exceeding a one digit number) in Mihawk's dictionary.

Wiping away tears, Doffy turned to face the rest of the group. "Anyone else interested?" he enquired, noticing that only Boa and Crocodile walked behind him. It seemed that Moriah decided to retire to a more secluded place and "enjoy the view of the moon", while Kuma disappeared into the back office with Sengoku to discuss something in private.  
"I'll go, but only because I don't want to sit in my room all alone" Boa replied, unconsciously stroking her shoulder where Salome usually rests his head. She decided not bring the snake along this time, her baby would probably try to eat Sengoku's goat.

Doffy's eyes immediately switched to Crocodile, waiting for a reaction. "Sure, I could use a drink right about now" he grunted stepping over the threshold, his coat fluttering as he picked up the pace.  
"Excellent! Gentlemen and lady, let's unwind!" the flamingo exclaimed, making the other three mumble with discomfort.  
The four of them retired to the lounge, located in the north wing of the palace. The spacious, rectangular room was generously decorated with tapestries depicting past high ranking admirals and war heroes, and furnished with hand-carved armchairs and sofas designed in a French renaissance style. Dark, brocade curtains, a hand-woven gray rug and a beautiful stone fireplace gave an additional sense of opulence to the room.  
The four Warlords were soon sitting in a circle, playing poker, drinking and exchanging stories. Well, Boa Hancock was mostly talking about herself and Doflamingo would jump in at times, taunting her of course.

"If you don't stop with your idiocy Doflamingo, I swear to god I will turn you to stone and crush you to bits!"

"Now, now, no need to get upset my sweet, I was merely joking. By the way, I was meaning to ask you, any good men in your life lately? Has there been a gentleman worthy of your lovely hand?" Doflamingo teased, crossing his legs and laying his cards face up on the table. Full house, he won again.

"Of course not, and you know why? Because all of them are disgusting pigs like _you_ " the Pirate Empress hissed, her eyes narrowing with a murderous glint. Doffy bit his lower lip, trying hard to suppress an outburst of laughter. Her temper aside, Boa Hancock was indeed a ravishing beauty and most men would go crazy just being in her presence.

"Oh my, what a feisty little tongue you've got there young lady, I'd sure love to taste it one of these days. But then again, maybe your spiciness is more than I could handle, hmm?" he continued, lightly licking his lips. He was stepping on dangerous ground.

"That's it you insolent little worm, I'm going to CRU…"

"Doflamingo, please stop with that already, would you? My lovely wine is going sour" Mihawk mumbled, interrupting an imminent attack from Boa's side and making Doffy giggle.

"You're starting to sound more and more like an old man Hawkeye, and you very well know I have a soft spot for old men fufufu" the blonde responded with a flirtatious smile, leaning in closer to Mihawk, to which the amber eyed man only shook his head making an expression that said " _Give it up, you're not getting any."_

Not only did Doffy like to taunt and tease others, but he also used every opportunity he had to flirt – with women _and_ men. It was mostly just for personal amusement and many didn't react to it at all, although he did occasionally manage to land a good fuck here and there on account of his nasty little flirts.  
Once he even succeeded in getting into a certain Vice Admiral's bed, just so he could blackmail him afterwards. His impudent charm was one of his finest features.

Crocodile was the only one who remained silent, sipping on his whiskey and trying not to listen to the stupid flamingo's dirty jokes. Whenever he though the shamelessness of this man reached its limit, Doffy would prove that he could always go further. The most embarrassing part was that he, surprisingly, found himself _almost_ laughing at some of them.

"God, do you ever shut up you damn bird? On and on with your stupid comments, just shuffle the cards and be quiet already!" Crocodile snapped, taking a large sip of whiskey and looking Doflamingo straight in the eye. He wasn't all nasty tongue and twisted imagination, Doffy's physique didn't fall far behind either. He was incredibly tall, his shoulders and chest wide and his forearms thick and veiny. He always carried himself with a great deal of confidence and it was honestly impossible not noticing the whole package.

"Such harsh words Croc, what made you so upset? Are you jealous that I'm not paying any attention to you? Don't worry, it'll be your turn soon…" Doffy snickered teasingly, Crocodile could've sworn he saw a something shine behind his sunglasses.

"My turn for what exactly?" Crocodile snarled, facial features distorting yet again, his body language slightly hostile.

"Fufufu well it wouldn't be fair to leave you out, would it now? No worries, I'll think of something special, just for you..." the Joker continued, playfully stroking his feathery coat, eyes hidden behind lenses but surely amused.

Crocodile knew he was just trying to screw with his head, he was constantly doing it to everyone. No agenda, just testing other people's reactions. He also knew Doffy liked doing certain things just to see how it would affect people. The fact that he was flirting and teasing wasn't the thing that pushed him off balance. There was something else upsetting him. Standing up, he pushed his armchair aggressively aside. "I'm going to sleep." he barked, exiting through the large oak door, his footsteps already echoing through the long, dark corridor connecting the lounge and the bedrooms.

"He's so adorable, "I'm going to sleep" fufufu just like something a little teenage girl would say…wait, Croc, don't be such a sourpuss!" he shouted, standing up and throwing a quick glance at Boa and Mihawk. "What are you going to do?" Mihawk asked, giving Doffy a rather serious look.  
"Nothing in particular, I'm just going to say I'm sorry" he hummed, his lips slightly curling.  
"You better be careful Doflamingo, there will be consequences if you go overboard with this" Mihawk warned, gulping down the remaining wine.  
"My Lady...Hawkeye…" he bowed his head in "respect" following Crocodile through the corridor immediately after, perhaps to apologize, perhaps to tease some more.

"Lord help me, it's been less than a day and I'm already _so_ sick of him" Boa trembled half with rage, half with exhaustion.  
"Don't let him get to you Hancock, you know he's always doing these things just to tick you off. Simply ignore him. Here's some more wine to calm down…" Mihawk added gently, filling Boa's glass with the lush, dark red liquid.

"You really don't know when to stop when it comes to drinking, don't you Hawkeye…" Boa added, her beautiful, long fingers playing with the crystal glass.  
"I know my limits, unlike that fool"  
"Oh yes, what was that all about? I couldn't catch the meaning of your "warning"?" the Empress asked, her eyes showing curiosity and amusement.  
"It was more of an advice than a warning really" Mihawk retorted, taking another bottle of wine from the cabinet.  
"Still don't understand a thing, and frankly, don't really care. That feathery idiot can do whatever he pleases." Boa concluded and the room suddenly fell into silence.

The only source of light diminishing the darkness of the corridor was the moon; glowing in all its fullness and glory, radiating with bewitching white light, as if trying to cast a spell upon anyone who dared cross its path. The white sections where the windows were placed took turns with the dark spaces between them, creating a rather spooky and mysterious atmosphere.

Crocodile wasn't spooked though, he was absolutely livid, marching across the stone floor with the sound of his heels echoing through the corridor. He wanted to fall asleep and not wake up for the next twelve hours or so. Well, technically he felt like punching his fist through a wall but managed restraining himself somehow. That is, until Doffy caught up with him.

"Hey Croc, wait up, I have something to ask you" he said, lightly pulling on Crocodile's coat.  
" _What_ now?" Crocodile turned to look at him, his eyes appearing even more threatening in the half-dark.  
"Seriously, how old are you supposed to be Croc? You honestly reminded me of my little Sugar when she's sulking" he replied with a grin on his face. Crocodile frowned, suppressing an urge to bash his head in.  
"I just don't find your jokes funny at all. I find them redundant, at best".  
"Oh is that so? Because I think I noticed you almost laughing at some of them Croc…"  
"Oh _please_ , as if I'd _ever_ be affected by one of your ridiculous jokes. Who do you take me for?"  
"Well, the jokes aside, I'm quite sure you were affected by _something_ back there…for you to storm out of the room so aggressively…something the matter? Did I hit a spot? Or are you just being on edge today?" Doflamingo purred making a few steps towards Crocodile. Clenching his fist the Croc just stood there, veins on his forehead pulsating. Doffy, on the other hand, was really enjoying this. He wondered what would happen if he kept pushing.

"Stop with this nonsense you idiot bird, I'm going to my… "  
" Neee, Croc…don't tell me you were _really_ jealous?" Doflamingo continued, taking a few more steps towards him. Even though Crocodile was a tall man he could hardly compare to Doffy. Over three meters tall, he completely blocked the light of the moon with his imposing back, slowly but steadily approaching the black haired man, like a beast closing in on its prey. The world was darkness now, with only a faint glimmer of Doffy's smile contrasting it.  
He instinctively backed off, taking step after step backwards and finally feeling his back hit the stone wall. Damn.  
"What kind of game are you playing? What the hell do you want?" Crocodile snarled, his patience steadily reaching its limit. Joker leaned in closer, his forearm against the wall.  
"Oh, nothing in particular, was just wondering how you looked up close…I'm a little drunk you see, and when I'm drunk I'm quite inquisitive" he whispfered, his face now dangerously close, already entering Crocodile's private space. He could feel Dofy's breath smelling of wine and something else he couldn't pinpoint. If audacity had a smell this would probably be it.

"So tell me, what _was_ that all about? Did I say something? Hmm?" teasingly hovering over him, his husky voice penetrated Croc's ears, sounding much deeper than usual.  
" _What the fuck?"_ Croc thought to himself pressing his back against the wall, looking for space, a gap to slide through. There was none.  
"What is it you want to hear, you stupid flamingo? You want me to tell you I'm jealous? That I want you to flirt with me or something? Well, if that's the case, you can take your cheap flirts and jokes and stuff them up yo…"  
"Do you?" Doffy interrupted, his face even closer now, merely inches away from Crocodile's. For a split second he thought he saw an expression of genuine curiosity, but soon realized Doffy was smirking, and that wasn't the most annoying part. Much worse was the fact that there was hardly any space left between them. A couple centimeters.

Doflamingo suddenly cocked his head to the left and started whispering something unintelligible into Crocodile's ear. Whatever it was it sent a few jolts of electricity through his spine, all the way down to his toes. He could hear a soft but husky whisper and feel Doffy's warm breath making its way through his earlobe. There was a moment of complete silence. Neither of them moved nor spoke. The blonde's hot breath traveled further beyond Croc's ear, the hairs on his neck immediately standing straight up.

"Fufufu, don't tell me that turned you on?" he teased, this time a bit louder, and although not touching any part of his body directly he could feel his muscles tense. Both of their bodies were giving off heat which was connecting them, pulling them closer as if they suddenly stepped inside a magnetic field. One could cut the tension with a knife.  
Doffy's blunt question hit him hard, like someone just slugged him in the chest. He used this moment of shock to pull himself together and lifting his right hand he pushed Doffy away as hard as he could. "Enough!" he growled breaking off contact, his body instinctively transforming into sand and escaping Doffy like a storm. It took him only a few seconds to reach his room like this, immediately reverting to his original state and frantically pushing the key inside the lock.

He slammed the door violently and pressed his back against it, a deep grunt escaping his lips. _"What_ _the fuck was that?!_ _"  
_ He could hear two things at that point: a faint sound of Doffy's laughter spreading through the corridor and his own heartbeat. He felt blood pumping through his neck, the jugular vein tensing. Panting lightly. Limbs twitching. Teeth clenching. He ran his fingers through his hair, noticing a few drops of sweat on his forehead. The fact that Doffy was a man didn't bother him at all. The fact that it was _him_ was annoying. The pure audacity of that man never ceased to amaze him.

Removing his massive golden hook and placing it on the table next to the door, he threw himself on the bed fully dressed. The light of the moon gently illuminated his face. He stretched his arms, white bed sheets ruffling under his weight. He needed time to sort out his thoughts. It's just stupid Doflamingo. With his idiotic jokes. He does this to everyone. For crying out loud, you're the great Sir Crocodile, just ignore it. Forget it.  
But was that just the usual teasing? Yes, flirting and fooling around were his thing, but he couldn't recall him invading Boa's or Mihawk's personal space like that, or could he? His thoughts haunted him until he decided there was no need to over-analyze things. A waste of time, that's what it was, a thing best forgotten.  
Allowing his mind to travel elsewhere he soon surrendered himself and entered the realm of dreams.

* * *

Doffy arrived to his own room shortly after, pulling the doorknob and lazily closing the door with his backside. Stripping down to his boxers he sat on the cold mattress, crumpling the white sheets with his fingers. Finally, he removed his sunglasses and placed them on the bedside table, always feeling completely bare without them. The moonlight accentuated his lean but muscular torso, muscles tensing and relaxing in a steady rhythm. He glanced down, his lips curling up in a mischievous smile. Something hard was trying to poke through his velvet boxers. " _Now this could be interesting…"_ he hummed to himself, gently pressing his fingers over the shaft, chuckling in the process.  
" _This is going to be a fun night"_ he thought, gently pulling his boxers down.


	3. Chapter 2 - Fuck, Marry, Kill UPDATED

A/N: _This was fun but not easy to write. It's hard as hell to stay in character, tried my best not to mess them up too much. -_-  
Enjoy chapter two!_

 _ **UPDATE: Just wanna say I did NOT forget about this story! I know it's been a hell of a long time since I've posted but I've been away from home a lot and didn't have time to continue. Working on the next chapter at the moment so to everyone who is still here, thank you so much, it really means a lot!**_

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Chapter 2

Fuck, Marry, Kill

The morning sun shone over the palace, making the vast pond of the Mariejois garden sparkle with a golden blue. The fresh breeze coming from the ocean brought a fragrant smell of salt, disturbing the trees and flowers ever so gently.

Crocodile woke up with a grunt; his head was pounding, a bitter reminder of the whiskey he had last night. _Last night._ He immediately got into a foul mood thinking about what happened. He was hoping to forget all about it after a good, long sleep but seems he wasn't that lucky. The fact that the first thing popping in his mind was that damn bastard's ugly mug made him furious. _Tch_. Not wanting to know where his thoughts would take him next he immediately got up and started getting ready.

Cold water splashed over the man's olive skin, gently trickling down his Adam's apple and collar bone. He really needed that.  
Looking at his reflection in the mirror the long scar on his bridge twitched slightly. His eyes were so tired, it looked like he went to Impel Down and back. Splashing some more water on his palms he slicked his black hair back and gave himself one final look in the mirror – ready to go.  
It was time for breakfast and even though his stomach was rumbling he felt reluctant to go down to the dining room and run into _him. - That bastard must have slept like a baby_ – he thought, screwing on the golden hook and, as a finishing touch, putting on his coat. This was ridiculous, of course he will run into him. He will have to look at his mug for the two remaining days and he will have to put on a poker face and deal with it.

To get to the summer dining room one had to walk through the garden and reach the opposite side of the pond. The stairwells and the corridors were empty although you could hear the occasional sound of a servant's voice coming from afar. The gentle warmth welcomed Crocodile's face as he stepped into the garden. He paused briefly, took a cigar out of his pocket and placed it between his lips. Days like this made him happy to be alive and he suddenly wished he could be on a boat, sailing a distant ocean.  
His lungs greedily accepted the smoke as he took his time slowly exhaling and admiring the view in front of him. "Good morning" someone greeted, interrupting his moment of peace and solitude. He turned to see the familiar face of Kuma approaching him with heavy footsteps.  
"Good morning" he replied in a solemn voice.  
"It's a beautiful day isn't it?" the tall, robust man continued. "Shall we?"  
Crocodile nodded and the two men continued walking in silence.

The summer dining room was reminiscent of a gazebo, with a long, iron table placed in the middle and several garden chairs scattered around. A fragrant smell of coffee tingled Crocodile's nostrils. That's just what he needed right now, a cup of strong, black coffee to jerk him completely awake. Mihawk and Boa were already there, eating fresh fruits and pastry and casually discussing something they read in the morning newspaper.  
"Good morning, slept well?" Mihawk asked studying Crocodile's face. "Great, never better." Croc replied pulling a chair opposite to him. _"Well that was a blatant lie"_ the amber-eyed man thought to himself and continued skimming the newspaper. The bags under his eyes said more than a thousand words.

The table was unusually quiet the Croc thought, his eyes scanning the surroundings. Oh, well of course it was, _he_ wasn't there yet. A feeling of slight relief suddenly came over him. At least he will be able to have a calm breakfast and prepare himself mentally for the upcoming meeting.  
"Moriah didn't show up?" he asked trying to sound innocent and casual, without mentioning Doffy of course. "No, I'm guessing he hates sitting in the sun like this" Boa retorted, taking a sip of her tea. Mihawk, however, wasn't at all fooled. "Yes, it seems it's only the four of us. Doflamingo probably isn't showing up as well" he said while shrewdly examining Croc's expression _. Damn_ , he saw right through him. "…but" Mihawk continued "...he _did_ mention another poker game for tonight".  
"Oh, a poker game again. Sure, I don't see why not." Crocodile answered in a casual tone pouring himself another cup of coffee. It was then that Mihawk decided to drop the subject, he wasn't a type of person that took pleasure in poking around too much, so the rest of the breakfast continued in silence.

* * *

The Shichibukai Breakfast Club entered the meeting room together, their arrival welcomed by Sengoku and Tsuru with a silent nod. Gecko Moriah was already there, his expression maniacal-looking as usual. In the corner just next to the entrance door stood Vice Admiral Smoker and, to everyone's surprise (except Mihawk's) Doflamingo, quietly discussing something. Two cigars hung loosely from the gray haired man's lips, arms crossed on his chest, eyes serious. Doflamingo, on the other hand, seemed completely untroubled, a sly smirk decorating his face. They kept talking for a couple more minutes until the Vice Admiral excused himself leaving the room in a hurry.  
"Morning, everyone!" Doflamingo greeted taking his spot next to Mihawk who lightly shook his head in disapproval. It was curious how Mihawk always seemed to know everything about everyone without needing to ask any questions. A master of reading other people.  
"You just never stop, don't you?" he whispered, loudly enough for the blonde to hear. Doffy giggled in response. "That obvious, huh? Fufufu, your perceptiveness never ceases to amaze me Hawkeye. Teach me sometimes?" "You wish…" Hawkeye retaliated, sinking deeper into his armchair, eyes disappearing under his hat. Doffy scanned the room and spotted Crocodile sitting alone, their eyes meeting briefly.  
 _"Looks like someone had it rough…"_ the blonde thought, wondering if _he_ was to blame for Crocodile's sleepless night. That made him all the more excited about the upcoming evening.

"Vice Admiral Tsuru will also be joining us today…" Sengoku started "…and we shall discuss the strategy in detail. As you already know, there have been rumors about the recent activity of the Red Hired Pirates, led by the infamous Shanks. Several of our spies reported that there have been clashes between Shanks's men and that of the other Yonko, Kaido. The best case scenario is the two of them engaging in battle and slaughtering each other, of course, but we cannot afford to leave anything to luck. We _should not_ ignore the potential danger such a battle would pose for the civilians. Should any of them initiate a war, all of you must be on standby, we cannot let the situation get out of control. Millions of lives are at stake here…."

* * *

The meeting finally ended at eleven in the evening, with Kuma disappearing into the back office with Sengoku and Tsuru yet again, and the rest heading to the lounge to indulge in the long awaited night of drinking and gambling.  
"I thought he would never shut up, I almost mummified myself in there…" Doffy complained lifting his arms above his head. "Agreed. If he tries to keep us this long tomorrow as well, so help me god I will petrify that man." Boa commented.

Soon after, whiskey and wine were flowing, cards were being thrown on the table, money and gold circling from person to person.  
"That Kuma is becoming more and more "intimate" with the Navy, perhaps they are brainwashing him, hee?" Moriah commented "I'll see you 500 and raise another 2000" he added. "Doflamingo, you're always up-to-date with these things , what with your army of spies and all….you know something about this?" a squeak escaped his mouth.  
"Fufufufu, well….I _did_ hear rumors about Vegapunk poking around his brain…" Doffy replied mysteriously, trying to figure out if Moriah was bluffing.  
"Preposterous! Are you serious?" the Pirate Empress asked in disbelief, throwing her cards on the table.  
"That's the information I received, and you know my information is always right Hancock…"  
"It's really hard to believe that he would completely submit to the government. What a fool." Gecko Moriah grunted, his usual grin replaced by a frown. "If that's really the case we best be careful what we discuss in his presence." he continued, suddenly getting up. "Gentlemen and lady, it's been quite entertaining but it's getting late and I must go out now. I have some unfinished business awaiting" the incredibly tall man (or creature, if you prefer) said swallowing his drink in one gulp and throwing his coat on. He headed into the darkness of the corridor with Doppelman following him and sending obscene gestures to the rest of the group.  
"What is _he_ being all mysterious about?" Boa's eyes followed Moriah's silhouette twisting a strand of hair around her finger. "Some things are better left unquestioned" Mihawk said, his voice wise and calm as usual. The poker game continued.

Crocodile lighted a cigar, looking at his cards one moment and studying Doflamingo's expression in the other. Nothing of last night was mentioned since they met today, not even an innocent tease or insolent comment, not a single smirk was directed at him. Did he actually drop it? The bastard had a toying-with-people-makes-me-hard-down-there-fetish. Pathetic.

Meanwhile Doffy was fidgeting in his chair, fingers busy with something in his pocket. _"Now then….Kuma isn't here…Moriah left…and here we have the Great Pirate Empress of the Kuja tribe…the mysterious swordsman of Kuraigana Kingdom..and…."_ he let out a quiet giggle _"…the Great Sir Crocodile, Hero of the Arabasta Kingdom…looks like I'll just have to work with what I have…"_ the blonde thought to himself, very obviously plotting something. He got up and walked to the liquor cabinet. "My dear friends…" he announced "I have a special treat for you….to make up for all the things I said yesterday" a remorseful expression on his face. The remaining three raised their eyebrows in suspicion. Doffy pulled out a strangely shaped bottle from the inside of his feather coat. "An exquisite vintage wine, courtesy of Dressorsan vineyards. A single glass of this beauty will take you to heaven." He explained, sounding like the most skilled salesman. "Well, if you insist!" Mihawk said already hooked.  
"Excellent! Allow me to pour you a little..." the Joker smiled collecting their glasses and turned, facing the cabinet. He placed the glasses on the wooden surface, cautiously pulling something else out of his pocket. It was a small, unlabeled vial. He filled the three glasses with wine and when sure no one was watching removed the cork and equally distributed the white, gooey liquid.

* * *

"Caesar...I need a favor" the blonde man purred walking around the mad scientist's laboratory. Hundreds of vials and flasks decorated the shelves, each of them labeled "toxic" or "infectious".  
"Joker needs my help!" the gas man chirped, nervously floating from one end of the room to the other. "How can I be of service?" he continued, face flushed.  
"As you already know, I'm big in the underground business. Drugs, weapons, devil fruits…I'm practically running the New World's black market. Many esteemed gentlemen depend on me and my merchandise. However, there is one other thing that comes in handy in the underworld; information. I have thousands of trusty spies scattered all over the world, constantly supplying me with pieces of valuable information. Deception, blackmail, extortion…these are my tools of trade..." he paused briefly, examining one of the bottles on the poison shelf. Caesar gulped, cheeks blushing.

"I'll be spending a few days at Mariejois, along with my fellow Shichibukai. And I would like to use this rare opportunity and dig around their brains…and that's where you come in." Doffy stood in front of Caesar, grabbing his hands. "O..of.. c.. , what do you n..n..need Joker?" Caesar stuttered, his blush deepening. Doffy smiled. "A powerful truth serum. One that could help me penetrate very, very deep. And of course, all of your services will be generously rewarded. What do you say..?" he pulled his face closer, hands now cupping the other man's jaw. Caesar let out a quiet moan, his whole body shaking. _"I'm…going...to faint…."_ he panicked trying hard to keep his composure, his vision blurred.  
"Of course I'd be happy to help you J..joker…i..in fact, I have just what you are looking for over here…" he squealed pulling away gently. After a few seconds of searching through his shelves and cabinets Caesar presented him with a small vial, no label on it. "I have to warn you, Joker. I've recently developed this serum and it's very strong. But I'm afraid it's still not completely stable. You must be careful and use only small amounts. Additionally there might be various side effects. Heart palpitations, hot flashes, lethargy, vomiting…the pituitary gland might start secreting hormones as well. Unfortunately, I cannot be certain which symptoms would be manifested. Each of my test subjects have reacted to the serum differently." he finished, placing it in Doffy hand. "I see….well, since it can't be helped…"  
He didn't really care about the side effects, after all, no price is too high as long as he gets what he wants. "Thank you Caesar. I will compensate you as soon as I return..." the Joker whispered, his tone teasing and sly, Caesar was on the verge of exploding. "Shurorororo..I'll be waiting Joker…shuroro..." the scientist laughed weakly, falling to his knees.

* * *

"For you to do something nice for once…I'm in deep shock." The Pirate Empress admitted eyeing him, an alluring glint in her eyes. Mihawk tilted the glass slightly, enjoying the fragrant smell of the drink. Swirling it, he observed the color like a true professional and finally took a sip, letting it linger in his mouth. "Exquisite…" his taste buds celebrating its acidity.  
"Glad you like it…" Doffy smiled with satisfaction. _"Even Hakweye suspects nothing …fufufu.."_

"I don't drink wine, just whiskey for me." Crocodile commented pushing his glass away.  
"Oi, oi, Croc, don't disappoint me now. It wasn't easy getting my hands on this. Go on, just one glass and I promise you won't regret It." the blonde assured him, gently patting his shoulder. Crocodile twitched. "Alright. I'll try it." he surrendered.

The blonde quietly rejoiced gulping on the wine himself (his didn't have any serum inside, of course).  
He took a seat, playfully shuffling the cards, then carefully studied the three of them _. "According to Caesar the serum should start working few minutes after ingestion…Let's do a little test..."_ he contemplated, wondering who to pick first. _"Hawkeye has always been a hard one to crack..."_  
"Say Hakweye…" Doffy started, dealing out the cards "as a swordsman you always kill you opponents in battle. How many have you killed so far?" Mihawk looked him in the eye. "I cannot remember the exact number, far too many fools have challenged me over the years. But there is an interesting thing I can share…some time ago I met a man…young and foolish like most, rushing to battle without thinking of the consequences. Well, this man was one of the rare whose life I actually spared. Facing me head on, unafraid of death, a look of determination and defiance in his eyes. A true swordsman. I must admit he made my heart flutter." he narrated, sinking deeper into his chair. _"Incredible…"_ Doffy thought _"…Hawkeye is a man of few words, normally he would never share something like this…the damn thing is actually working!"_  
"Hey Hancock" Doffy continued his interrogation, eyes scanning the Pirate Empress. "You always say no man is worthy of you. Is this really true? Perhaps you have in mind a type of man who would fit your criteria perfectly….hmm?" Boa's face suddenly turned a dark shade of pink. "Well….in fact, there is a type of man that would be able to please me…" she whispered, nervously playing with a strand of her hair. "Ohhh, and what type of man is that?" Doffy purred, he found her sudden change in expression terribly amusing. "A man with a pure heart. Someone who I wouldn't need to petrify as soon as he approaches. A man whose mind wouldn't be filled with dirty thoughts as soon as he sees me. But that kind of man doesn't exist. I'm sure of it." she finished, her voice filled with resignation.  
"Oh Hancock, don't lose hope. I'm sure that one day such a man will walk into your life. You'll see!" Doffy chimed with fake consideration while gently squeezing the Empress's hand. "That's very nice of you to say! I might have underestimated you…"  
"Oh Hancock, don't worry, it's all water under the bridge! Glad we could finally be sincere with each other!" the blonde retorted giving her a big-brother look. He was so proud of himself, his son-of-a-bitch level was slowly approaching a new record.  
"Since we are sharing personal information, I was meaning to ask you for some time now Crocodile…what are you plotting in Arabasta, exactly?" Mihawk suddenly jumped in on the interrogation _. "My, my, that's just what I was about to ask fufufu…"_ Doffy thought leaning in closer so he wouldn't miss a single detail.  
"Well…I shouldn't be discussing this really…" he confessed, unconsciously adjusting the rings on his right hand "you all know about The Three Ancient Weapons mentioned in the poneglyphs. Well, one of the poneglyphs exists in the Arabasta Kingdom, and I've recently met a person who has the ability to decipher them. This old ruin should be hiding the location of one of the three Weapons, Pluton…."  
 _"Good GOD, he's spilling all of it. It's unbelievable how good this thing is working"_ Doffy thought while making a mental note of these shocking confessions.

The innocent interrogation went on and on and the blonde was all ears. "I somehow feel like I've said too much tonight…" Crocodile was suspicious, rubbing his temples. "Oh don't be ridiculous Croc, we're just chatting here. Everyone's secrets are perfectly safe, right?" Doffy said trying to sound very convincing and trustworthy. "Hey!" he started, interrupting Croc's train of thoughts "everyone, let's play a fun game! Anyone ever heard of "Fuck, Marry, Kill?" "Are you _serious_?" Boa gave him a look that could kill. "Oh come one now, it'll be fun! We're just fooling around, we're all adults here, aren't we? I'll start!" the blonde exclaimed, his eyes glowing like those of a child in front of a candy shop window.  
"Hancock! Fuck, Marry, Kill: Sakazuki, Kuzan, Kizaru." He whispered, smile bigger than ever. She needed a bit of persuasion.  
"You idiot! Why do I need to go first? Very well, let me think….Kill Kizaru, just because he's an annoying bastard. Fuck…" her face suddenly turned purple "Sakazuki…but only because I'd rather _die_ than marry that brute. And marry Kuzan, he's the only one that seems a _bit_ civilized. "she shivered, covering her face with her hands. "Fufufufu, very good Hancock, you really pleasantly surprised me! Your turn!" "Alright then…Doflamingo, Fuck, Marry, Kill: Sengoku, Garp, Tsuru" this time Boa was the one grinning deviously. "Oh! I love how disgusting you are Empress! Haha, to think that I thought you didn't have a sense of humor. Alright…Marry Tsuru, because she's a funny old woman, plus she'll probably bite the dust in a couple of years, no big loss. Kill Sengoku, his head is too high up too damn often. And fuck Garp, I've always had something for experienced old men…." He finished triumphantly while the other three looked at him in shock. "Fufufu my turn again. Hawkeye!" Doffy's eyes looked at the amber ones with amusement. "What did you say the name of that swordsman boy was again?" "I didn't. His name was Roronoa Zoro." Mihawk replied, his face a frozen. "Ok, ok…so…Fuck, Marry, Kill: Roronoa Zoro, Red Hair Shanks, Vice Admiral Smoker." MIhawk smiled enigmatically "Fine, I'll answer, but I think I should be asking _you_ a similar question. _You sly bastard_." he finished the sentence in his head. "Marry Shanks, he seems like the kind of man who wouldn't be too clingy or demanding. Kill Smoker, better him than me, don't you agree? And fuck the rogue little Roronoa. "  
The other three burst into laughter making Mihawk blush slightly. "Fools, I was just being honest, I'm shocked at myself for even playing this preposterous game." the amber-eyed man said, waiting for the three of them to calm down. "Are you quite finished? Good! My turn. " his eyes switched to Croc. "Crocodile, Fuck, Marry, Kill ; Me, Hancock, Doflamingo." _"Oh go to hell Hawkeye you prick"_ Crocodile thought wondering what would be the _least_ horrible answer. "Fufufufufu, you really decided to spicy this up, didn't you old man?" Doffy screamed almost falling from his chair. "I will remember this Hawkeye, mark my words." Crocodile threatened, his olive skin rapidly changing colors.  
"Marry Hancock. Fuck Hawkeye. Kill Doflamingo. And I will _not_ elaborate." he stuttered quickly lighting a cigar. "Ouch, that really hurt Croc! Do you hate me that much?" Doffy cried, wiping fake tears from his eyes. _"I would never hear the end of it if I answered differently…"_ Crocodile thought while dense white smoke flowed out of his mouth. "But you have to elaborate, everyone else did!."  
He looked at him with exploding rage. "Marry Hancock. Seeing how I won't be able to even set foot on her island I suppose that would be a distance-relationship-marriage thing. Fuck Hawkeye because he's the lesser of two evils. The rest you know." "Oh, don't be like that Croc, why would you kill m…" Doffy started but couldn't finish his sentence. "I feel strange…" Boa suddenly muttered, touching her forehead. "Of course you do, what normal person wouldn't when being forced to answer such embarrassing questions" Mihawk spoke shaking his head in shame.

"No, I'm serious, my body feels strange. I'm suddenly feeling so hot I feel like jumping out of my skin" the Empress shivered breathing heavily. She tried getting up and would have collapsed if Mihawk wasn't there to catch her. "Oy, oy, keep it together Hancock, are you ok? _Woman_ , you're burning up! What in the world is wrong with you all of a sudden?" looking at her with worried eyes he noticed her breathing became deeper. "I…I need…water…right now…"  
Seeing how she couldn't even stand on her own feet Mihawk firmly grabbed her waist and knees, lifting her. "I'm taking her to her room and calling the doctor." he said sharply, storming out with the Pirate Empress shaking in his arms.

Crocodile's eyes suspiciously scanned Doflamingo. "Did you have anything to do with this bird?" "Don't be ridiculous! I'm as confused as you are!" the blonde retorted trying his best to sound innocent. "And is it just me or is this room hot as hell?" Crocodile groaned loosening his collar. He could feel the inside of his head pounding, vision becoming blurry in an instant. "It was you…you..you bastard…what did you give us…was it poison?" the tall man growled wiping sweat off his face. "I didn't give you anything! Why are you trying to blame me? What's happening to you, what's wrong?" Doflamingo kneeled in front of him. "What do you feel? Tell me." He continued, his hand lightly touching Crocodile's. "I…I can't say…it's just…too embarrassing…I'd rather gut myself with my own hook than say it in front of you." _  
_"Damn it Crocodile, tell me now, I don't know how to help you, explain your symptoms, don't be childish! How bad can it be?"  
" _Very…_ bad…." he writhed, bracing himself. "Oy, crocodile bastard, spill it! Where does it hurt?"  
"It…doesn't hurt…it just…" Doffy studied him carefully. He was sweating, his face was red, his limbs were twitching, a bulge in his crotch was growing….Wait, WHAT?!

 _"Why is my body doing this?_ Croc thought to himself while desperately gasping for air. _"No, no and no, why in front of_ _ **him**_ _?"_

"Did you just….…get an erection?" Doffy laughed in disbelief.  
"YES, THAT'S RIGHT. Fuck…what is happening to me…" Crocodile growled gritting his teeth.  
" _Oh...my…god…are these side effects of the serum as well? Fufufufu ..."_  
Let me take you to you room, and don't struggle, you can barely stand, let alone walk. Just lean on me and go." Doffy ordered helping him stand up. He didn't protest.  
Crocodile's arm was over Doffy's shoulder in an instant, the two men staggering towards the rooms, their footsteps and heavy grunts rhythmically echoing through the corridor. _  
_  
Unlocking the door Joker carried a trembling Croc into the room, gently laying him down on the bed. Firmly gripping on his biceps, the blonde could feel his muscles pulsating with overwhelming heat. Crocodile winced; the gentlest touch sent electric shocks through his whole body. "What should I do?" Doffy asked. Crocodile looked up, their eyes instantly connecting. A throaty "help me" escaped his lips.  
He strengthened the grip, his hands sliding up to hold his shoulders. Doffy smirked, licking his lips in the process. He placed a hand on Crocodile's jaw, slowly leaning forward until the gap between them closed. Completely.

* * *

A/N: _Couldn't help but remember the "Gravity Falls" scene when typing the word "pituitary gland". :3_


End file.
